My uniformed colleagues, sporting the crests of their respective QSA sections on their breast pockets, were waiting for me in the lobby of the Welcome Hotel, bustling with excitement to hear what I'd discovered. They laughed heartily when I told them I needed a stiff drink. Sure enough, one of them had smuggled in a few bottles of clear spirits which they'd obviously begun to sample while waiting for the shuttle. I took a generous swig of the bottle and as we passed it around, powerful emotions were smouldering within me. On the one hand, I was glad to be back with my mates and I would soon be home again with my family. On the other hand, saying goodbye to Xendo and Solari, even to Zol in the Temple, was an emotional wrench of loneliness and separation which, I must say, caught me by surprise. One of the girls kindly asked me if I was hungry. I told her I was still full after that amazing vegan breakfast I'd had at the five-star hotel that morning. I'd have a snack on the plane later, I said. Right now, all I needed was a few more generous swigs of that seventy-proof Juniper!
'I don't know if they do vegan snacks on the flight!' said one, and everyone laughed.
'Vegetarian is fine,' I replied, which I think surprised one or two of them when they saw I wasn't joking.
'Hey, check out the cool white shoes! Not leather, surely?' asked Kleg.
'Hardly,' I said, removing a shoe to show him.
He examined it and then passed it around. Kleg was the group leader at QSA for Industrial and Domestic Garden Tools, Clothing and Appliances. Even he couldn't ascertain what the material was. One of the girls wanted to try it on so I gave her my other shoe. Although they were a few sizes too big, her jaw dropped in awe as she pranced about the room.
'Oh my God, these shoes are like...they're just so incredibly comfortable! They do the walking for you! '
Then everybody wanted to try them on. When the Lemurians wear them, I said, they float about one centimetre above the ground. Not just for comfort, I explained. It's so they won't harm any insect beneath them when they walk. They laughed. Then Aklo, the one who had smuggled in the alcohol, raised his hand like a traffic-cop and proceeded with a slur.
'Ho-hold on... hold on! With all respect, with all due respect to Jordan, and I don't doubt the auth... authenticity of his ozervations... but lazies...ladies and gentlemen, please, please...we are all scientists here, scientists!... Even the legendary continent of Lemu..Lemuria about which we read so much in the popular press, even this magical land, this ground, this floor, here in this so-called Welcome Hotel, here where I stand...'
'Here where you wobble !' quipped one of the team and the others laughed and urged him to get on with it.
'Even Lemuria itself is subject to the law of uni...versal gravitation! Nobody walks on air anywhere, anywhere on this planet, unless they're dreaming, or unless the observer is, for reasons unknown...hallu...hallucinating!'
'Well, Jordan couldn't have been drinking, that's for sure!' one of them remarked.
'And they don't do drugs here either!' said another.
'Ah, but howja know... howja know the water wasn't spiked? Eh? Or the bref..the breakfast coffee?'
'You're a scientist, Aklo, right?' I asked.
'That, sir, I mosh shertainly am!'
'Then I challenge you to prove that you are actually standing - or wobbling for that matter - on the floor beneath you!'
'Whahaddyou mean?' he asked. 'S- obvious, isn't it? Why do I have to prove it?'
'Quite.' I responded. 'As obvious as the law of gravity, I'm sure. But although we have a law to prove the force of gravity, do we actually know what gravity is?'
'Well,' replied Aklo. 'Sobvious, idn't? The force. The force of attra..attrackhun!'
'Yes, of course. But what exactly is that force? I don't know. Do you? No. You don't. Nobody knows. Furthermore, my esteemed colleague, as a scientist, you will be well aware that even though you believe your feet are actually touching the ground right now, they are not. No doubt you are cognisant of the fact that the sensation of touch is an illusion?'
Someone put his hand up. It was Chakl, from Finance.
'Sorry, Jordan, but we're not all scientists here. What exactly are you talking about?'
'You mean gravity?' I asked.
'You claim that touch is an illusion, ' Chakl continued. 'How so?'
'Please correct me if I'm mistaken, esteemed physicists among you, but my understanding of the situation is that it has to do with subatomic particles. The opposing forces of the electrons involved in the so-called contact between two objects keep them apart. Simple as that. You never actually touch your girlfriend's cheek, Chakl. Or any other part of her either, for that matter.'
'Touché!' cried Gilsha, the girl in my shoes.
'But what is your point, Jordan?' pleaded Chakl. 'I don't get the point.'
'The point is that the Lemurians merely amplify this basic scientific truth to create the effect of literally walking on air. They enhance the repelling force of electrons between the shoe and the ground. Don't ask me how, I've no idea! It didn't work for me, I'm afraid. Except maybe once, for a minute or less. Anyway, that's why, before they gave me those shoes, I had to walk behind them, following their footsteps around town. Any insect on the ground would have scurried out of the way under the shadow of their feet by the time I'd caught up.'
I told them about the aircraft but couldn't explain how it was propelled.
'What about the breatharianism, or whatever it is they practice here in Lemuria? Is it true? ' asked Mimplat. His label said Food Technology under his name.
'I have no reason not to believe them. Why would they lie?'
'But they're human, aren't they? I mean, more or less. If you ask me, though, they look more like aliens.'
There was a murmur of disapproval all round. The remark came across as racist.
'C'mon!' said Mimplat. 'Let's call a spade a spade. They're different! Aren't they? They're not like us. But then again, they are. They have the same organs as we do. Don't they? You know yourself, Jordan, like all sentient beings, they too have to eat and drink. Every human being knows what happens if you deprive yourself of food, don't they?'
'So wha' exactly happens, Mimplat? I mean, wh...why do we need food at all? J'know what I mean?' asked Chakl.
'The body will just burn up its reserves of glycogen, body fat, muscle and protein. Without food, you'll be dead meat in a matter of weeks!'
'Want to know what happens when you stop drinking, Aklo?' quipped a wit from the group, to a burst of laughter.
'Well, they do drink their water from time to time,' I said. 'Wow, you should taste the water! If we had tap water even half as good as that back home, the bottled water industry would go out of business overnight!'
'Yeah!' came a shout from the back. 'Bottled water! Scam!'
'Easy on,' said Mimplat defensively. 'Bottled water exists only because people like you demand it. You don't trust the tap water? OK. So our companies provide you with bottled water. Simple. No other reason.'
'But why don't I trust the tap water, Mimplat?'
'Not my responsibility, mate. Try Water Division. Frang, isn't it?'
'Where is Frang by the way? I wanted to ask him about the fluoride. How come he didn't join us on the trip?' I asked.
'He must have drunk water from his tap!' laughed Chakl.
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